It is appreciated when someone tells me they believe I know what I'm doing and I'm going to succeed. Somewhere deep inside of me I know I can do what I want to do if I am willing to work hard to get there. But inside my head I see the doubt in the eyes of people I know. I hear them say, "You will get there someday," but I imagine that they don't really believe it. They are living by the credo that mother's teach their young: If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.
I know a little about writing. I was a newspaper reporter/editor for how many years? But I haven't published a novel yet, so I don't think other writers take me seriously. And so, that little seed of doubt is enough to hold me back from achieving my dreams. To hear someone close to me, whom I trusted, say, "I gave up on your writing long ago. You aren't ever going to do anything with it" shakes my self-confidence.
Do you know--have you ever heard--that you have to believe in yourself when you think there is nobody else to believe in you? So, why am I holding myself back? Why am I not believing in me? Why do I think I don't know enough? Life has taught me so many lessons, and I remember that long ago day when I asked God to teach me what I needed to know about my gifts so I could use them for him. It's more years later than I want to admit. Isn't it about time? Then there was that thing I read a few weeks ago...it takes 10,000 hours of doing something in order to master that something. Haven't I gotten close to 10K hours yet?
Well, as I've told my husband many times, writing is not the only thing I've been doing all of this time. And many times my writing took a backseat on my list of priorities. Family has always been first for me. Children, husband, parents, home...And at the end of the day I would drop, exhausted, into bed and immediately drop off to sleep. There was no time for my dreams then. But I held to the faith that one day it would be my turn.
Is it my turn yet? My children are grown. My parents are gone. My husband drifts in and out of my days, doing his thing, grumbling that I haven't done anything with that degree I had to go back to school and get. (Actually, he's careful what he grumbles about because he knows I'm not going to forget and he's going to hear about it whenever the time is right for that conversation.) But I've been busy! But maybe it's time to set my busyness (business??)and move on to the dreams I've been procrastinating over. I'm not getting any younger!
So, here it is, Nov. 18, NaNoWriMo is at Day 18 and my word count is at 9,704 at 12:20 a.m. If I marathon write this weekend--Friday midnight to Sunday midnight--will I be able to pick up 20K more words? That sounds like a lot, but if my writer friend, Carma, can write in excess of 80K already this month, surely I can come up with 20K in a weekend! Well, first I have to revise my outline. A major change took place in the story line that I was NOT anticipating. And I'm just starting Chapter 5 of 22 or so.
Pacing the floor is no longer permitted. What am I waiting for? Just do it!!!
(c)2011 Cathy Thomas Brownfield -- All Rights Reserved.
